The word rape is one that I have struggled to come to terms with.

It holds such severity and weight, and delivers a punch upon hearing it.
I never imagined being associated with such a term.

After the incident it took me several months to even realise that I was.
I had felt out of touch and not myself from the second it was over, but had failed to realise why.
Until I did.

The definition of the word came to me and it all made sense.
In February 2022, I had been led into his home under false pretences.
I had not consented to sex, and I couldn’t have wanted anything less.
I had been raped. And more than once.

Those months of disassociation and despair;
Feeling so unfamiliar with reality;
Finally had a reason.

Whilst I still struggle to come to terms with the word;
And the impact it can offer;
I am grateful for my discovery of its definition.

Without it, I may never have been able to access help.
To be able to talk about my experience without judgement and self-blame.
To feel like myself again.

I am still secretive, and it makes me feel vulnerable.
I scarcely open up because I am so conscious of how it sounds.
I would hate to be defined by it or have it used against me.

However, I feel strong when reflecting on that chapter;
Of that period of recovery in which things made so little sense.
I appreciate life now more than I ever thought I would.

I am thankful for eventually connecting the dots.
Not for the incident, but for coming to terms with the it.
Sex without want or consent. Can simply be defined by the word;
Rape.